Thoughts

Perhaps it has been my concertrated listening to the smiths or the general state of transition that I seem to find myself in but my mind seems to be on somewhat of an overdrive. I Keep pondering why, and I mean really why on earth we as humans become so insecure. There must be some deep philosophical or transcendental meaning behind it all but I can't help asking myself why it is we as humans force insecurities on ourselves and others for that matter?

I consider myself someone bound by my own insecurities, and I know some people aren't but I would venture to say most people I meet have some hang up, some worry or some sense of uncertainty bout themselves. Whether it be self-image, confidence, insecurities with failures or successes all the aforementioned seem to nag away at people and for what reason? well I just don't know.

Joyce Cary Said

'For good and evil, man is a free and creative spirit. This produces the very queer world we live in, a world in continuous creation and therefore continuous change and insecurity'

This is as close as I could get to my answer, and for all its nonce and pretentiousness it's probably a fairly apt view. If you think about it, fads constantly change, what is fashionable, what success can be defined as, who is 'real' and who is not are all defined by the whim of the moment in time. If everything is constantly changing and we are forever comparing ourselves to what we're not and what we should be and shouldn't, and further we are taught to do this in order to survive in the world, how on earth are we ever meant to be comfortable?

Just something enormously reflective for one to think about.

to mark, or not to mark. That is the question.

Tattoos have been on my mind as of late, I talk to friends a lot about whether they like tattoos or have one, or why they might want one. My best friend has a cupcake and most of the people I know would like one one day, whether it be to represent something specific or not,
But it's got me thinking about whether I would ever get one, Or to be frank whether I would ever have the downright balls to do it, so here are some tattoos that I admire, that remind of things that are meaningful to me or simply amuse me. To tattoo or not tattoo, je ne sais pas.

The Three Russian dolls are my favourite so far.

I came across this poem a few months ago, and I'm not a huge poetry lover but I loved this. At the risk of sounding like a pretentious academic, there is something about this poem that just struck me. I don't know whether it was the unstructured line by line poetry, or the fact that it flows even smoother in French, or the fact that the poet, Henry Michaux is almost a lyricist. I suppose I just like the way he uses words, they tend to sum up some of what I'm feeling each time I read it.

The poem itself is supposed to be about how the grotesque mask of the clown is the man himself, or rather the man is not hiding behind anything but rather showing us what his reality is.

But i say take from it what you will, leave it behind, have a giggle, weep. Just read it.

Clown- Henri Michaux (translated)

One day. One day soon perhaps. One day I will tear up the anchor that holds my ship far from the seas. With the kind of courage needed to be nothing and nothing but nothing. I will cast off what seemed insolubly close to me.

I will slice through it, overturn it, I will break it and I will send it tumbling. Disgorging all at once my wretched delicacy and, my abject contrivances and fiddling logical sequences. Drained of the abscess of being someone, I will drink nutritious space anew.

With blows of absurdity, with falls from grace (what is a fall from grace?), by explosion, by void, by a total dissipation derision on purgation, I will expel from myself the form believed to be so strongly attached, composed, co-ordinated, appropriate to those around me and to those like me, so worthy, so worthy.

My fellow men reduced to humility befitting disaster, to a perfect leveling after being intensely shit-scared. Brought down beyond all bounds to my real rank, to the lowly rank which some idea-ambition I can't name had led me to the desert.

Annihilated in terms of arrogance , in terms of esteem. Lost in a distant place (or not even that) with no name, no identity.

Clown, Smashing down in mockery, In grotesqueness, in howls of laughter the sense of my own significance that I had given myself against all light.I will plunge, Penniless into the underlying spirit- infinity open to all, open myself to a new and incredible dew on the strength of being zero, and a clean slate... and laughable...

Clogs.

So at the moment it's hip to wear clogs. It's kind of the new shoe trend and I can't say I'm hating it... I'll admit, they do remind me of a clog magnet my grandma keeps on her refrigerator from Holland but I think I quite like them.

Then again I am still unsure, I see a lot that I hate, some are wayyy too high and have enough studs on them to look like a trashy football boot, but sometimes, just sometimes, you see some gems.

Someone once told me I'd suit them too, (how one can suit a massive Dutch shoe more than anyone else is beyond me) So i think I've just put them down in my mind as something to investigate, whether or not I suit them will be a different matter entirely!

So here are some clogs, the GOOD ones that I like anyway. Enjoy mes amis.

Some tunes for a Wednesday evening.

Music can change the world, or mend a broken heart. I sincerely believe this, and for your viewing pleasure I have included some of my favourite songs

The curse of friends.

My friends are sometimes the sole thing that gets me through my days,

Somehow they have an uncanny knack of making me laugh and dealing with all my crazyness, even though no one should really have to.

The only downside is this, That all of them are amazingly amazingly good looking. I've had to stop myself many a time (and sometimes I haven't stopped myself) from comparing my lowly looks to thier goddess like aura.

Not only this but they are incredibly intelligent and witty, hilarious and fun and genuinely the best people I could surround myself with and thus begins my ode to my best friends...

Tori and I have known each other since our meeting on a Somes Island Trip in Intermediate. Now I put this photo of her up to make a point that being that this photo was taken after a whole day of music, heat, sweat, walking and bad food and Tori, sitting in Burger King still looks amazing. She is just that, she would never admit to it, and doesn't see it herself but she's a fox. Stone cold fox.

This was a photo at the ball, I have know Chloe all through school but we became really good friends last year in English. I wouldn't haev expected it at the time but we have a lot in common, our humour is so in synch and we will sit fo hours just talking and quoting Mighty Boosh. I like this photo because It shows Chloe's smile, I've always been super envious of her versatility and her ability to wear a bunch of different styles and look amazing. I wanted this photo to show her nose, because I love it even though she may not.

Meet Zoe and Ellen. Zoe and I have the same birthday and like Ellen and myself we've been friends since intermediate. These two gals are possibly the lovliest people I have ever met, and they have a way of being so heart felt that you are utterly consumed by their genuine care for others. Zoe we have always thought of as a German goddess, she possesses this earthly beauty that you don't see very often. Whereas Ellen has they bluest eyes I think I've ever seen, and has the sporty- Bridget from Sisterhood of the travelling Pant's vibe that I will always always want for myself!

This photo really doesn't do Char justice, but I like it because she's show off, and she should be. She can be defined by the English word 'fit' she is so super tight she makes people in bikinis in Summer look like fat men, Not only is she super hot with a rockin' bod but she is beautiful, like has had a million admirers throughout her life beautiful and she's smart. I'm not going to go into it but we can almost hate Charlotte she is so darn perfect.

And then there was one. Jayne, My Jayney. I have known JAyne the longest of all my friends mentioned here and I've pretty much assigned her to the friend for life pile, There is too much to say to describe the things we share, or the things she's good at or even the the way that she composes herself in such a was that shes the most confident person I know , I'd say.

But this is one of my favourite photos of her, Because as much as I envy her for it, and compare myself to her and wish that I looked like her. She is astoundingly stunning.

So I thank you Allah or Buddha or God or Yahweh for the Beautiful friends you have blessed me with, although at times I may feel like the thorn in a midst the rose, I will always be very grateful.

Short Term Goals.

I've been trying to think of significant goals that I have for the short time, yet I can only think of petty things. Well they're important to me anyway.

1. I'm going to get my drivers license by the end of the year, even if it's in an automatic as long as I can have some freedom to drive and get to places by myself.

2. I'd like to do well in my exams and have the feeling that I've achieved something this year.

3. I want to surf this summer, I really want to surf and maybe become better/ actually be able to do it.

4. I'm going to paint some more of my wall, the mural in my bedroom is a constant work in progress but it is looking especially gappy at the moment.

5. I'm excited to make some new summer clothes, and take some photos in the sunshine

6. Sometime I want to go to Europe, I really want to see something amazing.

This is Prague, I can already see myself there.